The start of the school year and the fall weather usually sees good moods on campus at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, but this semester, the student body can’t seem to shake an overwhelming sense of dread. After a few questionable spring concert artist announcements, the students just aren’t feeling great about this year’s upcoming performance. “You would think […] Read more
For transgender and gender non-conforming students at UNL, finding a suitable bathroom can often be a challenge. While there are gender inclusive restroom options, they’re often in inconvenient locations, such as the cryptic “Transgender Bathtub,” a bathroom that can only be accessed through the Star-Tran spirit realm bus, which stops just once an hour at a bus […] Read more
Despite massive cuts to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s budget, a few new and interesting classes are being added to UNL’s catalogue this year. Professor Stanislav Crowley was recently hired by the university to teach classes on the occult as part of a new addition to the Sociology program. Crowley is a direct descendant of famed […] Read more
Colleges are often criticized for being too liberal, and the beautiful University of Nebraska-Lincoln is no exception. The latest liberal takeover at UNL includes the elimination of the gender binary by known militant social justice warrior groups. The Young Democrats club and the Women’s and Gender studies department have teamed up to completely remove the […] Read more
A DAILYER EXCLUSIVE REPORT
When students at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln eat at the various dining halls located across campus, they probably think they’re supporting a vibrant food service economy. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Following a months-long investigation, The DailyER has obtained decades of financial records revealing that all five dining halls are fully owned and operated by UNL. This stunning discovery has shattered the common perception among students that each dining hall is its own distinct brand.
“This is really a shock to me,” said sophomore microbiology major Sarah Henson upon reading the report. “I always thought I had choices as a consumer, but I sure was wrong.”
“Last year, I was unsatisfied with the quality of Harper’s pasta, so I took my business to Selleck, thinking I could vote with my dollars,” said junior broadcasting major Wyatt Huffman. “Everything I know is a lie.”
Furthermore, records indicate that the monopolization of campus food options even extends to the various residence hall C-Stores, as well as “Grab-N-Go” choices such as Husker Heroes and Husker Hoagies.
“Now that you mention it, I always did have my suspicions about Husker Heroes and Husker Hoagies,” Henson admitted. “But I assumed the ‘Husker’ thing was just a coincidence.”
UNL refused to comment on the report, or on the allegations that the university has been using the monopoly to systematically increase dining prices for years.
“This is just another example of a failure of capitalism,” explained UNL economics professor Dr. Helen Merritt. “By forcing out competition, the university has not only artificially inflated prices, but also limited innovation in the campus dining sector. We all love Mini Pizza Mondays, but with a competing dining hall, we could have had Mini Taco Tuesdays too!”
“That’s why I’m calling on the United States Justice Department to intervene and break up this dining giant immediately,” she added.
In the wake of these revelations, students have found themselves questioning which of their other on-campus choices could be just an illusion.
“Does this mean that when I take classes with two different professors, my tuition money still goes to the same place?” wondered sophomore English major Timothy Rios. “This changes everything.”
With so many questions now swirling about collusion on campus, The DailyER would like to assure its readers that it remains committed to journalistic independence by being entirely unprofitable.
At press time, The DailyER has been looking into a bombshell allegation that claims the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and University of Nebraska-Omaha could be operating under the same umbrella.
Huskers everywhere are turning red—not with school spirit, but with rage. An annual health code survey revealed that traces of the mascot’s remains were found in Husker Hoagie meat. Upon further inspection, the remains were reported to be the last of the beloved retired 2015-2016 model of Lil’ Red. Retired Lil’ Red models are normally […] Read more
Sometimes, our relationships with our parents can be rocky at best. And sometimes, it’s endearing when some of us try to salvage something despite the years of silence or lack of love. Still, for some, it’s hopeless. In oblivious wuss Drew Whitaker’s case, there’s one obvious reason for things being not so great. “I wonder […] Read more
After securing its $0.14 cent per student budget for the 2017-2018 school year, The DailyER, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s satire publication, is aiming for bigger goals. Starting in the fall school year, The DailyER will be going public to possible investors to buy and sell exclusive DailyER stock. Stock options are estimated to open around […] Read more
The period after a breakup is a confusing and depressing time. Whether it’s ending a friendship with a childhood friend or having a significant other leave after falling out of love, no one on either side feels good. Charlie Evans, whose girlfriend of 14 months broke up with him, searched through a box of mementos […] Read more
Shocking both students and faculty who inhabit it, it was revealed that, apparently, you can’t smoke anything – tobacco, marijuana, etc. – inside the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s English building, Andrews Hall. “Fuck,” said English major Anne Repenning with a lit cigarette in her hands. “I saw everyone doing it, so I thought that we could […] Read more