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Bootleg Runzas kill 55

Tragedy struck this week when 55 Lincoln natives were killed by counterfeit Runzas being sold discreetly across the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus. Due to recent budget cuts to the University of Nebraska, UNL was forced to raise the price of Runzas to a record-high $7. Several riots broke out after the news was announced, with […] Read more

Enacting vertical budget cuts, UNL to demolish western half of Oldfather Hall

Uncertainty surrounding the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s impending budget cuts was somewhat put to rest early yesterday morning when the office of the chancellor announced one step in its plan to meet the state’s budget problems. In June, UNL plans to destroy the western half of Oldfather Hall, one of the most notable vertical landmarks on […] Read more

Self-aware water bottle refilling station begins eliminating students

Campus officials at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln are on high alert this week after reports of a water bottle refilling station at the Nebraska Union becoming self-aware and eliminating multiple students in recent days. The refilling station, located outside the ASUN student government office, is said to have targeted students with high-powered jets of water […] Read more