Oreo Testing New Möbius Strip Cookie for Infinite Dunking
Nabisco, the division of Kraft Foods responsible for the creme-filled cookie the Oreo, has revealed plans for an Oreo cookie in the shape of a Möbius strip, the one-sided geometric figure. “You know those things you used to make in grade school math class? You take a strip of cardboard and turn one end and […] Read more
Bake Sale Finalizes Merger with Rival Lemonade Stand
Last Wednesday marked a significant moment in elementary school economic history when the bi-weekly bake sale by the Roger L. Townes elementary school dance team finalized a merger with a heated competitor. The bake sale made an agreement with a lemonade stand that popped up bi-weekly across the street. The history between the two snack […] Read more
Biden Maxes Out White House Bar Tab, Again
For more than 35 years, the tiny DC area bar Whiskey Corner has served members of White House staff as a discreet place they can go to simply be themselves. At least, this used to be the case. The bar’s owner, Paul Foster, says that before four years ago, he was never once visited by […] Read more
Apple™ Sues Granny Smith
Apple™’s litigating department is at it again, suing Granny Smith for stealing the now trademarked Apple™ iPad case color Granny Smith Green™ from the new line of The New iPad™ Smart Case™. Apple™ litigator Harold McElhinny told reporters, “We have come to understand that Granny Smith, after getting one cease and desist letter a little […] Read more
Duggar Wife Births Set of Backup Children
Michelle Duggar is known for being ready for disaster. She has shelves upon shelves of canned goods, a fire escape plan poster on almost every wall and has her phone ready to dial 911 at a moment’s notice. So it was no surprise when the star of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” announced she had […] Read more
Chicago Citizens Surprised Chicago Has Schools
In the aftermath of the Chicago school strike, citizens are still scratching their heads as to why the strike occurred in the first place. “We have schools here?” asked Martin Smotilli, 46. “Since when?” Many Chicago residents share this confused sentiment. David Ortellino, 56, runs a butchery in Wrigleyville. He said when found out about […] Read more
Local Customer Just Wants to Know What’s Good Here
The employees at Red Mango are reporting that local customer Matt Johnson just walked into their store this afternoon to ask, “what exactly is good here.” According to sources the man didn’t have any idea what Red Mango even was, but thought it “would be fun and spontaneous” to just walk in and figure it […] Read more
UNL Bus Driver Takes The Scenic Route
A mass of frustrated University of Nebraska-Lincoln students grumbled and groaned in the East Campus Dairy Store Monday afternoon after their bus driver, Russ Tritter, finally stopped his vehicle. Passengers aboard the Blue Bus spent a record fours hours circling the campus. “Every minute felt like ages. The tears started falling after the first hour, […] Read more
Upper Class American Family Declared Winner of War on Terror
After two wars, years of rising military spending, and controversial privacy-restricting federal laws, the U.S. government finally declared the Anderson family of South Dakota winners of its controversial “War on Terror.” The Anderson family, very wealthy since finding massive oil reserves on their property over 50 years ago, was declared the winner of the War […] Read more
