A student turning the ripe old age of 21 is bound to develop something short of a drinking problem, but junior Seth Waylan has taken it to a new level. Seth, in this first semester, has actually been more hungover than he has been sober, a feat that has seriously taken a toll on his […] Read more
Last Wednesday marked a significant moment in elementary school economic history when the bi-weekly bake sale by the Roger L. Townes elementary school dance team finalized a merger with a heated competitor. The bake sale made an agreement with a lemonade stand that popped up bi-weekly across the street. The history between the two snack […] Read more
The employees at Red Mango are reporting that local customer Matt Johnson just walked into their store this afternoon to ask, “what exactly is good here.” According to sources the man didn’t have any idea what Red Mango even was, but thought it “would be fun and spontaneous” to just walk in and figure it […] Read more
A mass of frustrated University of Nebraska-Lincoln students grumbled and groaned in the East Campus Dairy Store Monday afternoon after their bus driver, Russ Tritter, finally stopped his vehicle. Passengers aboard the Blue Bus spent a record fours hours circling the campus. “Every minute felt like ages. The tears started falling after the first hour, […] Read more
For months now, the squirrels on campus have been organizing their efforts to overthrow the human dominance on campus. Just last weekend, they officially militarized Andrews Hall. It is now the military headquarters of UNL’s squirrels. Other buildings believed to be targeted are Architecture Hall and Henzlik Hall. The squirrels rallied around their leader, who […] Read more
Jonathan Burroughs, a Lincoln resident his entire life, has been raising eyebrows lately as a newly converted necrophiliac. Explaining his new-found identity, he stated, “It makes a lot of sense when you really consider it. We live in a culture where death is entertaining; I just take it one step further. “It’s an exciting time […] Read more
Abby Sanderson likes to show her school pride: Husker posters adorn her dorm room walls, while her backpack has decorative Husker pins she made herself. But her pride isn’t just on the outside. “I’m a hemophiliac,” Sanderson beamed. “Nothing can stop me from bleeding Husker red. Certainly not my diseased body.” Hemophilia is a genetic […] Read more
All people, places, and things in Western Nebraska appear to be unreachable, according to reports from across the country. Phone lines appear to be empty, internet usage has flatlined, and lights appear to have gone out in all areas leading to the Omaha and Lincoln metro areas. “They appear to have completely…. vanished,” said notably […] Read more
After searching around his reclining chair for “ten damn minutes,” 63 year-old Lincoln resident and loving grandfather of six Louis Barton realized that he was never going to find “that stupid remote” without getting up, and decided to resign himself to watching “whatever the hell this is.” As the “ridiculously stupid” program played, Barton could […] Read more
A late-night meal at Village Inn turned sour last Saturday evening when local hoarder Gertrude Harris refused to pass a bottle of Heinz ketchup to a table of students just feet away. Other customers on-site at the time reported they were just as astounded at the inattentive service as they were at the selfishness of […] Read more
