Chuck Hagel’s contentious 58-41 Senate confirmation to the position of Secretary of Defense may seem like the end of a controversial journey to the White House. Hagel still faces the most difficult part of our Democratic process, known as “The Initiation.” “The Initiation” is a set of challenges, ranging from simple tests of patriotism to […] Read more
In a humbling turn of events, a giant sinkhole swallowed the well-to-do town of Pride, Louisiana early Saturday morning. The event occurred shortly after several residents were heard boasting about the town’s lack of natural disasters. The town previously sat on a geographic pedestal, looking down upon the neighboring towns. “It’s actually kinda nice to […] Read more
Officials were stunned last weekend when a refrigerator won the River City Marathon in Sacramento, California on Sunday. The refrigerator won the race with a time of 1:59:48, shattering the previous world record and stunning fans everywhere. “I never thought I’d see a refrigerator win a marathon,” said Joe Johnson, a spectator at the race […] Read more
President Barack Obama earlier this week vetoed a formal request from his oldest daughter Malia, 14, to go to dinner and a movie with one of her male classmates, instead electing to suspend her privilege of dating indefinitely. The official decision came merely seconds after the question was initially proposed, with the President adopting a […] Read more
Residents of the Cecil Hotel in downtown Los Angeles were only mildly surprised to find out that yet another tourist had met their fate in the alleys of Los Angeles. What has captured the divergent interests of Los Angeles is not that a tourist’s lifespan is similar to that of a fly but that the […] Read more
After years of controversy, the Birmingham Black People have been forced to change their mascot. The AA baseball team, a feeder team for the Atlanta Braves, had the Black People as a mascot for 72 years. There has been considerable pressure on the baseball team to change their mascot for years. It may be obvious […] Read more
Danni Baker knows a thing or two about dogs. She volunteered at her local animal shelter all through high school and spent hours grooming her mother’s prize poodle statue. It was a life which did not leave much time for socialization, but Baker never complained. Now, at 24, her hard work has finally paid off. […] Read more
In what White House tour guides are describing as an “increasingly common occurrence,” last week Vice President Joe Biden could be seen casually conversing with tourists, advising them what and what not to touch during their visit. “I was just taking out the garbage here, and I noticed y’all were poking around,” said the Vice […] Read more
On the eve of a momentous Voting Rights decision, the tension in the judicial chambers of the United States’ Supreme Court isn’t coming from the media, constituents or lobbyists, but from the justice’s stomachs. It was well into the noontime lunch hour before Anthony Kennedy was able to lay the deciding vote for Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers […] Read more
In a passionate attempt at glory, South Dakota resident Greg Tracey depleted every resource in his possession in order to appear on the popular news program “The Today Show” last Friday morning. Following years of watching the regularly televised program, Tracey decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of standing behind Al Roker while waving his […] Read more
